DEVIL BUNNY NEEDS A HAM THE MOVIE Screenplay By Ned Utzig Production Draft 1/5/02 V2.3 CAST Drake Sanborn Dr. Robert Bainbridge Little Timmy Timmys Mother The Devil Bunny 1 EXT. FANDORA BUILDING - NIGHT. Pan up to large high-rise building, illuminated and ominous. GRAPHIC: FANDORAS CAFE, HAPPYVILLE 2 INT. FANDORAS CAFE KITCHEN - NIGHT. Two SOUS CHEFS are in the kitchen cutting VEGETABLES for soup. One man, DRAKE, wields a large KNIFE, the other, SANBORN, is peeling. Drake is the clever leader of the duo and sanborn is the slow-witted but faithful follower. DRAKE stops chopping, puts down knife, and looks at SANBORN. He is clearly annoyed. DRAKE (speaks in bad accent, always) You know Bainbridge has added the Asparagus Bisque?! SANBORN But you told me before that all his soups were crap, right? DRAKE Maybe I understimate him, sanborn. This is the third new dish this month! He must have some secret we do not know. SANBORN You think its some secret, or you think he may have the little help again? DRAKE Idiot! He has no help! Do not start with the strange rabbit story AGAIN! I know why he steals our customers, it is not this bunny thing you talk about, it is that he is stealing ou4r recepies!! He will pay a price. SANBORN He stops peeling, a confused look on his face, as if he is trying to understand nuclear physics. But what why would he have a big bunny if it wasn't helping him? DRAKE DRAKE picks up a large carrot and whacks SANBORN in the head. I told you stupid, there is no bunny! This is some foolish childs tale. Besides, we watch the hallway. You ever see a bunny go by to the elevator? SANBORN (shakes his head dumbly) no. DRAKE You ever see bunny in the lobby? SANBORN no. DRAKE So that Bainbridge, he's way up there running that tourist trap of a restaurant (points above with knife) right? SANBORN (straining to follow) Right... DRAKE And bunnies, they dont fly, right? SANBORN Right... DRAKE Right. So there is no devilish bunny. DRAKE pauses to see if SANBORN accepts this argument, but SANBORN does not reply, mostly because he is too stupid to understand. DRAKE eventually gets disgusted and jabs the knife in the air towards the SALAD BOWL. Finish your salad. 3 INT. DEVIL BUNNY'S LAIR - NIGHT. Open on a darkened office, eerily lit. A bunny-eared figure, the DEVIL BUNNY, is seated at a DESK with his back to the camera. Standing in front of the desk is a man in a suit, nervously holding his HAT in his hands. This is Dr. Robert BAINBRIDGE, owner of the SKYVIEW, a penthouse hotel at the top of the FANDORA BUILDING. DEVIL BUNNY Well Bainbridge, I have kept up my part of the bargain. You are turning away people at the door now. BAINBRIDGE Yes sir. And I am very grateful. The Asparagus Bisque was spectacular. Not even Drake has such a soup. WESLEY SNIPES even came to the restaurant last night! DEVIL BUNNY shrinks at the mention of WESLEY SNIPES, then recovers. DEVIL BUNNY leans forward, opens paw. DEVIL BUNNY So... Where is it?? BAINBRIDGE looks for a moment as if he does not understand the question, but when this doesn't work, he quickly changes back into a groveling posture. BAINBRIDGE I dont have it. Its not normal, you know. I mean it's not a normal HAM. It comes from FINLAND. You can't just buy it down at the supermarket or something - DEVIL BUNNY stands, BAINBRIDGE backs up as if in fear for his life. DEVIL BUNNY Of course not. If it were simple I would not need you, would I? But yet I must have it! Soon. Or you will pay a price, Bainbridge. I will give you until noon tomorrow. BAINBRIDGE Noon? But thats impossible! I cant- DEVIL BUNNY You can! And you will. Or you will pay a price. 4 EXT. FANDORA BUILDING - EARLY MORNING It's the next morning and people are entering the FANDORA BUILDING. A boy, TIMMY, and his MOTHER are outside the building. MOTHER (in a singsong voice) Ok Timmy, mommy has to go to work now, and you know you can't come in the office, so you can play out here, OK? TIMMY (clearly dissapointed, but shrugs) OK, mom. But I thought you said I could go to day care? MOTHER I told you, when mommy gets some more money, darling. TIMMY But when will that be? MOTHER Well, mommy is working on a new project, and if people buy it, mommy will get a commission and then you can go to day care. TIMMY (now very dissapointed, whining) It's not that ham thing again? Nobody likes ham! Who wants a stupid old ham, anyway? MOTHER Now thats a very bad attitude, Timmy. What did we say about big boys with bad attidudes? TIMMY and his mother recite in unison, monotone: BOYS NOT NICE WILL PAY A PRICE. TIMMY sits and pouts, waiting for the rest of the speech from his mother. MOTHER That's right, Timmy. Boys not nice will pay a price. Now Don't worry, because the people at work have found a new ham from FINLAND that is very special, so lots of people will just KILL to get one. Now go and play and I'll see you tonight. TIMMY OK. Bye mommy. Timmys MOTHER pats him on the head, and walks away towards the office. 5 INT. FANDORA TOWERS ELEVATOR LOBBY - DAY SANBORN and DRAKE are waiting in the lobby for the elevator, carrying SHOPPING BAGS full of groceries. We join the two in the middle of another conversation/argument. DRAKE No. It is not real cooking! That is McDonalds, my friend. You must never, never use GREASE. GREASE is very bad. A sign of a bad chef, you see? SANBORN But I like McDonalds. Don't you, Dr. Bainbridge? PAN TO BAINBRIDGE who has entered from off screen in back of DRAKE. DRAKE You like.. DRAKE is about to react to the McDonalds comment with a furious tirade, but only gets the first words out when he realizes that BAINBRIDGE is behind him. DRAKE spins around to face BAINBRIDGE, and his expression changes immediately from anger to a thinly veiled smile. DRAKE (In a sarcastic voice) Oh. Robert, how nice to see you. SANBORN (smiling dumbly) How you doing Dr. Bainbridge? Drake shoots Sanborn an ugly look, clearly displeased that Sanborn is not letting him do the talking. BAINBRIDGE (nods, speaks in a haughty, aloof voice) Mr. Sanborn. Mr. Drake. Getting ready for the day, are we? DRAKE Yes.. and what are you up to today? Busy stealing recepies from your competitors, I presume? BAINBRIDGE steps closer to Drake in a threatening way, but DRAKE holds his ground. SANBORN backs up, expecting a fight. BAINBRIDGE No, Mr. Drake. Actually, I have to meet with the local society page editor. It seems that Mr. WESLEY SNIPES has taken a liking to the SKYVIEW, and they are doing a story. SANBORN (excited) Wesley Snipes! Really? Wow! DRAKE Pushes away SANBORN, again annoyed. DRAKE Well at least you have one customer, Bainbridge. I'm warning you though. If I find out you are stealing my recepies, you will pay a price. As DRAKE finishes his threat and SANBORN prepares to respond, TIMMYS MOTHER enters from off screen, carrying a LARGE HAM. This immediately attracts the attention of BAINBRIDGE, who stops the woman from proceeding down the hall. BAINBRIDGE (politely) Ah, excuse me miss, is that a ham you have there? MOTHER Why yes, yes it is. Its a new variety we just developed. I work for the US Pork and Ham Council upstairs. SANBORN and DRAKE watch from behind, interested in the conversation. BAINBRIDGE The US Pork and Ham Council, you say? Is there any way I could get a sample? I run the SKYVIEW restaurant at the top of the building, by the way. MOTHER (clearly impressed) The SKYVIEW? Why of course you can! Here take this one. Its a prototype, but it should be almost as good as the real thing. And here's my card. I'd love to be your supplier, Mr...? BAINBRIDGE Dr. Bainbridge. Dr. Robert Bainbridge, madam. BAINBRIDGE accepts card and ham, and exits. MOTHER attempts to leave as well, but is stopped by DRAKE and SANBORN, who have stepped into her path. DRAKE Sorry miss, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about the ham, and I was wondering if we could also get a sample. My name is Drake, I run the Fandora's Cafe in the lobby, I'm sure you've been there? MOTHER (blank expression) Never heard of it. I'm sorry boys, but that was the last Ham I had. I need to order more from my suppliers, but here's my card. MOTHER gives DRAKE her card, and then exits. DRAKE examines the card and shoves it in his pocket, then turns quickly to SANBORN. DRAKE (speaking in a low voice now to avoid being overheard) What would a Sous Chef want with a HAM Sanborn, we need to find out what Bainbridge is up to, or we will pay a price! SANBORN is not paying attention, but looking down a nearby hall. The DEVIL BUNNY briefly appears in the hall and then vanishes before Drake looks up. Sanborn! are you listening?! SANBORN (pointing down the hallway) Well, there's this... DRAKE (arms crossed) Yes??? SANBORN Never mind. DRAKE Listen Sanborn. I want you to go up to the SKYVIEW and get a piece of that HAM. And I want you to do it without being seen, understood? SANBORN Without being seen? But how? DRAKE (Raising his voice) I don't care how, Sanborn. Just do it! SANBORN (shrugs) OK.. 6 EXT. FANDORA TOWERS - EARLY AFTERNOON TIMMY is standing next to the FANDORA TOWERS, looking up. TIMMY (thinking to self - VOICEOVER) Gee, I wonder if I could climb this sucker? 7 INT. ENTRANCE TO SKYVIEW RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON SANBORN approaches the restaurant entrance, which is closed and locked. SANBORN (muttering to self) Get the HAM, sanborn. Don't be an idiot, sanborn. Shut up, sanborn. Theres no such thing as a... He tries the door without any luck, peers through window to see if anyone is there. Then slowly, looks over at the outside window. SANBORN hmmm... ANGLE ON SANBORN at window. Feels glass, grabs HEAVY OBJECT to break window with. FADE. SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS. 8 INT. DEVIL BUNNY LAIR - AFTERNOON. BAINBRIDGE and the DEVIL BUNNY are seated at a table. BAINBRIDGE is looking more confident, ready to wheel and deal. DEVIL BUNNY Get to it. What have you found? BAINBRIDGE I have the HAM. If you want it, you must pay a price. DEVIL BUNNY (dramatic pause) What? BAINBRIDGE I want Sanborn and Drake eliminated. DEVIL BUNNY (thinks for a moment, hand on chin) Very well. But I hope you have the ham, or you will... (pause, Bainbridge mouths "pay a price") ...you will regret it. 9 EXT. FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON TIMMY is climbing the tower, looking down. He seems frightened by something near his hands. TIMMY Ahhh! Bugs! Bugs! TIMMY almost loses grip, but recovers. Looks around. He's high up. TIMMY Mommy? Help.. 10 INT. FANDORA TOWER LOBBY - AFTERNOON DRAKE is waiting impatiently for SANBORN to return. He paces back and forth. DRAKE (to self) That idiot. He will surely screw this up. DRAKE decides to go after SANBORN, presses elevator button. 11 INT. FANDORA TOWER HALLWAY - AFTERNOON DRAKE heads down the hallway, and is suddenly confronted by.. The DEVIL BUNNY! The DEVIL BUNNY advances menacingly on DRAKE, who begins backing up. DRAKE No!! It cannot BE! What in Hell's name ARE YOU? CLOSE ON DEVIL BUNNY, gnashing teeth. DEVIL BUNNY Devil Bunny Needs a Ham! Cut to DEVIL BUNNY chasing DRAKE down hallway. Drake is backed up against the window, with nowhere to go. He looks down at HEAVY OBJECT and picks it up, turning to window in a panic. FADE. SOUND OF GLASS BREAKING. 12 EXT. FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON SANBORN is on the outside wall, crawling laterally. He comes to a window and sees a HAM, sitting in the window. In his excitement on finding the HAM, he slips, screaming as he falls... 13 EXT. FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON ANGLE IN on a BROKEN WINDOW, with WESLEY SNIPES on the inside looking out. [ INSERT OF SNIPES CLIP HERE - COMPOSITE SHOT WITH WINDOW ] 14 EXT. FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON DRAKE is climbing wall and looking up, when SANBORN FALLS into his path. DRAKE catches SANBORN, saving his life. DRAKE puts SANBORN behind him. SANBORN (breathing heavily, panicked) I.. I was there, I had the HAM, but I slipped.. I got careless, and I almost paid the price! DRAKE Never mind that Sanborn! The Devil Bunny! It's coming to get us!! SANBORN Theres no such thing as... DRAKE Shut up, Sanborn. Look, I am going up to the roof and see if I can get back inside. You stay here and catch me if I fall. SANBORN But what about the Devil Bunny? DRAKE The what? Oh, there's no such thing, you will be fine. We've been over this, Sanborn! Now remember, stay directly below me, and wait here. SANBORN is clearly confused, but nods in agreement. 15 EXT. FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON SANBORN is alone on the wall, waiting. Just then TIMMY climbs up from behind. SANBORN looks over to him curiously. TIMMY Ummm. Have you seen my mom? SANBORN I don't know. What does she look like? TIMMY Well, she's usually carrying a Ham. She works for the US Pork and Ham Council. SANBORN Oh, Yeah! I have seen her. She was walking this way. SANBORN points to the right, and both head off crawling in that direction. 16 EXT. FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON DRAKE is climbing alone, fearfully. Suddenly, the DEVIL BUNNY leaps on him, forcing him off balance. There is a struggle, but DEVIL BUNNY succeeds in forcing DRAKE off the ledge. DRAKE falls, screaming, to his death. DEVIL BUNNY Devil Bunny NEEDS a HAM!! 17 EXT FANDORA OUTSIDE WALL - AFTERNOON SANBORN and TIMMY are climbing along, having a discussion. They hear the faint, prolonged scream of DRAKE falling to his death. SANBORN What was that? TIMMY Dunno. Hope we can get inside soon though. I don't like being up above the thirteenth floor and all. SANBORN Heights don't bother me really, but WHITE MICE and FERNS really scare me a lot, though. You too? TIMMY Well... I hate BUGS. That's about it really. Oh yeah, and PORCUPINES sometimes. And WEASELS aren't so good either. SANBORN (nods in agreement) Yeah. What about the DEVIL BUNNY though? TIMMY DEVIL BUNNY? What's a DEVIL BUNNY? Suddenly, the DEVIL BUNNY appears out of nowhere and attacks SANBORN and TIMMY. TIMMY loses his grip, and falls to his death, screaming. SANBORN (Looking down, but pointing at the DEVIL BUNNY) That's a DEVIL BUNNY. DEVIL BUNNY Do you have a HAM? SANBORN Ummm.. Nope. The DEVIL BUNNY looks exasperated, and flys off. 18 INT. USPHC OFFICE - AFTERNOON Timmys MOTHER is seated, looking at paperwork. In the Background is an outside WINDOW. MOTHER (talking to self) I sure hope giving away that HAM will pay off. If the company finds out I gave away the prototype, there will be a price to pay. Timmy Plummets down in the window behind, unnoticed. 19 INT. FANDORA HALLWAY SANBORN is standing up next to window, brushing himself off. In front of him sits the HAM, unattended. SANBORN (to self) Wow. The HAM! Drake will be really happy with me. SANBORN begins to pick up the HAM, but is stopped by a voice. BAINBRIDGE (O.S.) NOT SO FAST. SANBORN (looks up) Uh Oh.. BAINBRIDGE That's my ham, I believe. DEVIL BUNNY (O.S) NOT SO FAST. That's MY ham, I believe. BAINBRIDGE But you didn't keep up your side of the bargain! This one is still alive! BAINBRIDGE points at SANBORN. DEVIL BUNNY That's my HAM. And now that I found it, I don't have to keep up my side of the bargain. That's why I'm the DEVIL bunny. SANBORN stands up, holding the HAM. SANBORN If you are out there, Drake, hope you can catch! SANBORN throws the HAM out the window. DEVIL BUNNY Noooo!!!!!!!! 20 EXT. FANDORA TOWERS - LATE AFTERNOON DEVIL BUNNY leaps out the window after the HAM, catching himself and the ham on a ledge. He is suddenly startled by WESLEY SNIPES at the window. Both HAM and BUNNY plummet to their deaths. 21 INT. FANDORA TOWERS LOBBY - LATE AFTERNOON SANBORN and BAINBRIDGE are left standing in the hallway, looking at each other. There is a long pause. Finally, BAINBRIDGE breaks the silence. BAINBRIDGE So... you think you'd like to maybe, work in my restaurant? SANBORN Sure. Can I use GREASE? BAINBRIDGE (considers as if it's the best idea he's heard in a long time) Yes... Hmmmmm.... Grease.... The two walk off down the corridor together. We continue to hear their conversation as it fades. SANBORN Drake was dying to find out what you were doing up here, you know. BAINBRIDGE (arm around SANBORN) There's always a price to pay, Sanborn, theres always a price to pay. 22 EXT. FANDORA TOWERS GROUNDS - LATE AFTERNOON Timmys MOTHER is out by the bench looking around. MOTHER (calling) Timmy.. Tiiiimmmmyy... Timmy? She walks by a BUSH, where we see Timmy's Legs sticking out. Pan Back to foreground, revealing HAM on the ground. Shadow of the DEVIL BUNNY is seen adjacent. DEVIL BUNNY [MANIACAL DEVIL BUNNY LAUGH] 23 EXT. FANDORA TOWERS - LATE AFTERNOON COMPOSITE SHOT of WESLEY SNIPES clip through window. We zoom in, and transition to credits.